The Power of FAMILY

Today missionaries and church employees who work in the Pacific Area Office were invited to gather together to view a recording of the funeral for an Apostle of God, Elder L. Tom Perry, who died last week at the age of 92.

Elder Perry was the second most senior member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, the second highest governing body of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint,  having been called to the position in 1974 at the age of 52.  (Once called, apostles serve for life).

   (See LDS Leadership and Organization Page for list of names and biographies)

Elder Perry has spoken at nearly every general conference for all of the 33 years that I have been active in church. I will so miss his voice and special perspective.  

In our most recent conference this past April, Elder Perry gave a powerful talk : "Why Marriage and Family Matter--Everywhere in the World".  In that talk he said "Family is the center of life and is the key to eternal happiness."   He pointed out that "The entire theology of our restored gospel centers on families and on the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in a premortal life where we all lived as literal spirit children of God our Heavenly Father. We believe that we were, and still are, members of His family."

For many years of my college teaching career I taught courses on the Sociology of the Family and for a while a course in Marriage and Family Living.  So I have studied a lot of academic analysis about various family forms and how they relate to one another.

When I think of family, I of course think about my own tribe, in all its many incarnations.

. My family of orientation is the family I grew up in:

Family of Don and Nancy Pendley in 1963

My family of procreation is the family I parented and reared

Ours is also a blended family since Elder Bennett and I each had children from previous marriages.  Ours never all lived together in the same house, but they all co-mingled in our hearts.  No matter who came from him and who came from me, they are all our kids and each and every one of them are part of who we are.

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Then there is my extended family, made up of aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews, cousins, and inlaws, grandparents and grandchildren - looping all through the generations.

Pendley sibs with Spouses - 2010

5 generations of my family, from my sons to my great grandmother

Pendley Clan in Oak Creek, AZ 2013

As a Family History Missionary,  the whole focus of my service is wrapped up in the power of honoring both the roots and branches of family -  teaching the importance of learning all we can about the generations that have gone before us and building strong, loving ties with the generations coming up. 

The family of Aola Urade Krebs and Alta Geneva Booton - the little boy with the curly hair is my Grandpa, Louis Krebs

                             

                                    
                                                              A Gaggle of Grandkids!

Our family, like many these days, is no smooth and simple line for genealogy charts.

According to The Encyclopedia of New Zealand in the Maori language "Whānau is often translated as ‘family’, but its meaning is more complex. It includes physical, emotional and spiritual dimensions and is based on whakapapa. Whānau can be multi-layered, flexible and dynamic. "

That makes perfect sense to me - My Whānau includes a child who transitioned from one generation to another by adoption, and a young man who lived with us for a time with no formal legal claim to help him finish school who almost never communicated with us again once he graduated. Then there are my sons' former spouses and the children of my children's former spouse's new spouse, and the grandparents of a child with no blood tie to either myself or my husband who nevertheless is a very much a special part of our tribe known to us as our great-grandson.   In one family group there are children from multiple biological lineages.  In another family backflip the wife of my husband's son is the daughter of his ex-wife's second husband's third wife.How is that for complicated? 

Family is seldom simple.  Ours most certainly is not. 

                                       

                                    

I've given much thought to how much I identify myself by my various relationships to my family.

I've heard it said before that "no mother can be happier than her saddest child".  I used to believe that was true.  I've spent countless hours on my knees, tossing and turning in sleepless nights, or simply weeping for the struggles my various kids have had to face at one time or another over the years. No matter how rich the blessings of my own life might be, I would carry a constant pilot light of concern and worry over whatever was going on in their lives. The same was true of my siblings, and even a lot of my cousins.  I used to measure how much I loved them all by the degree to which their pain became my pain, their joys my joys.

I no longer choose that way of relating to my family members.

I still care deeply for each and every one of our tangle of progeny and extended kin.  But I have learned to let go a bit more.  I have not backed off in my affections one iota.  But I have learned to accept that they each have their own journey to discover.  My grieving and worrying will not help them.   So instead, these days I try to simply love them all and send energy from a position of strength and joy, even when their own lives may be tumbling all akimbo or the stresses of the world are wearing them down. Some I talk with (or write to) on a regular basis.  Some I go for long periods with little if any contact.  A few I have not spoken with in years. Nevertheless,  they are my FAMILY, and they mean the world to me.

So as we watch the funeral services of L.Tom Perry who was such a champion of strong, loving families, I was reminded all over again about the importance of staying connected and close, even when I'm very far away.

Just because I no longer want to have my heart wracked with worry over every little bump any of my kids or sibs might face most definitely does NOT mean I want to turn off the faucet of concern for them.  Loving with boundaries is all about balance.  I won't always get it right.  Far from it.  But the thing about family is that even when we stumble, even when we pull too close or push too far away, the bonds remain.  Sometimes there are misunderstandings.  Sometimes there are rough patches or even huge rifts.  But with prayerful, deliberate effort, we find our way back to each other as best we can.  We each decide the meaning we will give to these relationships we share.  Choosing to love ferociously these people whose attitudes, values, beliefs, behavior and lifestyles are in some cases miles apart from my own can be complicated business.  But they are my clan, my tribe, my Whānau, and I would not have it any other way.

6 Month Mark - Taking Stock

I've been sorting through some of my old sent emails from a year ago.  I've been reading words that tried to capture all the tumultuous emotions I had as we prepared to leave on this mission.  It's interesting to take stock of where I was then and compare it to how I feel about things now.

We just hit our six month mark of this experience.  We have weathered the wrenching heartache of leaving behind all that we knew and loved.  We endured the strangeness of our first arrival and the overwhelming waves of homesickness that assailed us those first months.   We've faced adjustment stress, travel exhaustion, and a few down right bleak days when nothing seemed to go right.  It's interesting to read over various letters I wrote during those experiences.

There is no doubt that at times it has been incredibly difficult to be here when so much of our hearts are with those we love back in the States.  Yet  through it all, we have had wonderful, amazing, soul lifting experiences.  Time and time again we have seen that when we face our fears and move forward, God will see us through.   Now that we are feeling stronger in this mission, sometimes it does me good to look back and reflect on how far I've come.

The following is from an email I sent back in June 2014 to a long time friend who knows me well, someone I trusted I could pour my heart out to.   I've edited it just a bit for clarity and omitted pieces here and there for confidentiality reasons.  But overall this is what I said one year ago:

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I am so excited about this mission.  I feel certain this path I have chosen will bring a deep sense of purpose, not to mention some amazing adventure.

And yet...

I have fear.  As ready as I am for this, I can not help but feel a creeping dread, my heart shuddering in anticipation of the inevitable pain and aching sense of loss in the face of all I will willingly be giving up.  While I don't expect I will be utterly forgotten by those I love here, I know well enough from all my many moves in the past that absence does not truly make the heart grow fonder.  Without the intricate weave of shared experience, too often the spark of shared caring shifts, changing it to glittering reminiscence of what was rather that substantive bonds of the here and now.  I know that.  I accept it.  Still, it makes me sad.

During the years we were chasing my husbands career, we moved often.  At every place we lived there were people who were very dear to me.  When it came time to pack up and move again at each corporate transfer, I always hoped I might be able to stay in touch with the people I'd grown attached to.  Long before email, I was a proliferate letter writer.  I sent post cards, holiday greetings and out-of-the-blue notes for no reason other than to let my friends know they were still very much in my heart and on my mind. I wrote long rambling letters. But every time I moved--whether across town or across the country--the people I left behind carried on with their lives just fine without me.  Sure, some kept sweet memories of the friendship we once shared.  Many welcomed me with a smile and a hug anytime I would go back for a visit.  But it wasn't the same as ongoing, reciprocal sharing of lives.  It couldn't be.  And sadly, letter writing is a dying art.  Very few folks these days genuinely savor carrying on a correspondence.  Most of the friends I had simply didn't write or call.  So, over time - even my very best friends often felt lost to me.

I no longer blame or resent folks for not having the willingness to continue on in correspondence when I move away. I really do get it now that the measure of our bond does not equate to ongoing postage stamps or frequency of emails.  While I admittedly would like to hear from distant friends more than I do, part of the wisdom of growing older is getting past being so emotionally clingy.  I truly have learned to accept goodbyes and separations far more gracefully than I ever could in the past.

Yet still, there is a wistfulness, a longing, as I miss the people I love and leave.


So as we prepare for this mission, it's really hard to face up to the fact that I am going to willingly walk away from all my family, all my friends.   I will miss out on special celebrations and no doubt more than a few funerals.  There will be some I will never see again in this life.  Of that I am sure.  So it pains me to let go, no matter how certain I am that leaving on this mission is absolutely the right thing to do.

I have been thinking a lot about not just leaving behind friends and family, but leaving behind this whole season of my life - my career, my sense of place in the community.  I've been teaching college for 20 years.  That has been such a hugely significant part of my identity, even though I always did it part time as an adjunct in tandem with other work.  The day I went to the college here with two huge boxes of books I was donating made it all too real that I wasn't coming back.  Although I will return to Boise at the end of two years, I don't expect I'll ever  work for a college again.  I  suppose it is remotely possible that I might find a job in education again of one sort or another somewhere down the line, but I truly don't expect to.  This honestly feels like I'm done with that season of my life.  I wept as I walked through the halls where I had talked with so many students, where I had felt so honored and privileged to be part of their journey.  

Giving up the telehealth work I've been doing is huge.  This has been the most gratifying professional work I've ever had.  I have loved this job and really do believe I'm making a difference.  No telling what sort of work I will find when I get back, but somehow I suspect I will always look back at the past couple years as the peak of my professional life and will always sort of wonder what I might have accomplished had I stayed to see it through.  I've been doing work that has the potential to significantly impact a lot of people's lives in the years to come in terms of what health care is available in rural areas.  I'm good at this.  And now I am leaving all that behind.

Then of course there is my family.  I will  especially miss the grandkids that live here in Idaho.   I will be walking out on the caboose of the their childhood. Right now, while they are young, we share a deliciously affectionate camaraderie. The younger two, in particular, have become my special buddies. Even their older brother, who in his teen years has gotten too cool for much hanging out with Grammy, still is a delight to me on those few occasions when we have special talks.   After so many years of being a long-distance grandparent, I finally have these three here close so I get a  chance to be a special part of their lives.  Leaving that cuts deeper than I can say.  When I get back I will have missed out on so much, and there will be no recapturing it.  There are times when I cringe at giving them up just yet, wonder if we might not ought to wait for one more year.

But here is the thing...there will never be a perfect time to go.  There would always be reasons to stay.   My sweet husband will turn 69 this year.   And I too am growing older. If we don't go soon,  it becomes increasingly likely one or both of us will not have the health and stamina we need to do the extensive travel this mission will require.  We've talked about it a lot, and have prayed fervently to know if  this is the season for us to serve or if we should wait .   Both of us are sure the time is now.

I have no doubts abut that.   But it doesn't make it easy.  There is a heaviness in my heart for all I am giving up.  I get a lump in my throat and a burning in my stomach when I think of saying goodbye.

And then it shifts, as if my spirit flies separate from my mind and body, transcending upward - seeing who I am as an eternal being.  I see this mortal life of 80 years or so for the very fleeting thing that it truly is.  I recognize myself as a part of the universe that was present before I was born to this flesh and a spirit that will continue long after this life ends.  I get a glimpse of all the many letting go experiences I have yet to come....with or without this mission.   I begin to understand at a visceral level how transitory everything of this life is.   People come in.  People go.   Health, youth, beauty, strength all fade.   Right now I am experiencing pain of a broken hand.  I am experiencing physical limitation.  This is merely dress rehearsal for future times when my body is in decline which will be exponentially more difficult.   I may as well learn the lessons of grace  in adversity now as I am absolutely sure I will need those skills in days to come down the road.

I think of the journey you have had with your mother during her health decline.  I do wonder who will care for me when I am old and infirm, if I should live that long.   I think about the meaning I have had in my life over the years.  Right now I am mostly confidant and happy.   I have so much good in my world.     I have reached a point where even my biggest sorrows and betrayals of the past no longer  haunt me.  They simply inform me.  They have taught me how precious life is.   They have taught me the importance of  mindfully choosing  to reflect truth and good which are every bit as real and possible as harm and depravity.   Both exist in this world at all times.  Every day, every moment, I CHOOSE which will be my focus.  As we have so often talked about, I choose which wolf I will feed. So I no longer dwell on the pains of the past.   I think of kaleidoscopes - creating beauty out of both dark colors and light.   I think of healing.   I think of possibility.

All of these things tumble through my mind as I prepare for my leave taking , like the shards of colored glass in your fancy brass tube of mirrors, the kaleidoscope you keep in your office.   With each shift the picture changes, showing me a new perspective.

As I consider what it means to go on a "Senior Mission" it makes me think all that much more about what it is to qualify as "Senior" and confront my own aging, to acknowledge the inevitable seeping away of my younger self.  In my body right now I feel a stiffness of joints that need to stretch and a settling in my frame of  a post-menopausal woman who has left behind forever her days of youthful vigor.  I have exchanged taunt skin and fluid, swift movement for levels of insight, self acceptance and appreciation for beauty that I never would have held when I was 25.  All of that makes me understand well why it is so important that people in my position be willing to go on Senior Missions. Granted, at this point in our lives we have so much enmeshment with LIFE that is hard to break free from.  But it is that very depth of relationships and  life long experiences - decades of learning about loving and letting go - that are the very qualities that will make us effective in the mission field meaningful ways.

So yes there is fear.  Yes, I am going through a period of deep mourning as I come to terms with all that I will be leaving behind.  I have nights when I lie awake and wonder how I will manage to get past this mind-racing anxiety of having turned my whole life upside down.  But I can honestly say I have no doubt this is the right thing for me to be doing.  

You know the physical sense of apprehension you get on a roller coaster as the cars chug up and up and up to the top of a high point?.... I feel some of  that tension as I prepare for this experience.   Yet at the very same time I get a freeing sense of weightless letting go.   I feel ready for the exhilarating rush of zooming decent as we embrace the experience coming soon.  I want to throw my arms in the air and yell WHEEEEE!

For all its difficulty and sacrifice, this opportunity is going to be one amazing ride.

Return to the Northlands

We recently made another trip back up to the Northlands of New Zealand.  It was a lot of road time, but we accomplished all we set out to and enjoyed some special beauty on the way, so we felt good about the trip. 

We drove up to Kaitaia on Friday.  It's a long twisty road to get up there.  (190 miles / 306 kilometers)   As the crow flies it would not be that far, but with all the twists and turns and switchbacks through the bush around mountains, it takes almost four hours to drive it.

Looking at the map from afar it seems pretty simple.

But when I zoom in a bit I get a more realistic view of what the actual drive is like:

Let's just say it's a good thing neither one of us is prone to motion sickness.

On the way up we missed one turn we should have taken at about Kawakawa, so we ended up going the long way around, through Paihia.  We were familiar with the Bay of Islands area from our previous trip up there in April.  This time we were on a bit of a tight schedule and it was pretty rainy, so we didn't do any exploring - but it was still a pretty drive.

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We are still struggling to learn how to say many of the place names we come across.  From road names to towns, they leave our tongues tied up in knots since nearly everywhere we go in the Northlands has Maori names. According to census figures, a little over half the population of Kaitaia are Maori, and that is very much evident when we are there. "Archaelogical evidence shows the Far North was first settled by Polynesian ancestors of the Maori, about 900 years ago. Kaitaia has a long history of Maori occupation and the region still retains a strong Māori flavour today with many interesting structures and sites". (Kaitaia Portal)

The New Zealand Tourism Guide says:

"Today Maori people live throughout New Zealand, and many are actively involved with keeping their culture and language alive. Within any Maori community, the marae provides a focus for social, cultural and spiritual life. The term marae describes a communal 'plaza' area that includes a wharenui (meeting house) and wharekai (dining room).

Maori people define themselves by their iwi (tribe), hapu (sub-tribe), maunga (mountain) and awa (river). Whanau is the name given to family - the term embraces immediate family, in-laws and all those connected by blood ties.

In recent years, the introduction of Maori language nests (kohanga reo) has revived the Maori language. At kohanga reo, preschool children are encouraged to speak in Maori. Primary and secondary schools build on this early immersion by including Maori in the curriculum.

Traditional carvers also help to keep Maori culture alive by creating intricate works that pay respect to the past. Every piece carved tells a story, which can be read by those who know how. The shape of the heads, position of the body as well as the surface patterns work together to record and remember events."

We stayed at the Kauri Lodge Motel, which is very basic, no-frills sort of place.  But it is clean, the bed is comfortable, and like nearly all motels here they have a refrigerator/microwave/sink and cupboard full of dishes and utensils, so we were able to bring food to prepare rather than eat out.  

On Saturday morning we met with Sally Bills, the acting director of the Family History Center in Kaitaia.  (She is officially called as an assistant, but the actual director moved away some time ago.  They've never changed her title but that does not seem to be a big concern for Sally).  She is a delightful lady who we enjoyed very much.  We taught her how to use the snipping tool to create pedigree charts for leaders working on the 15-15 and showed her how to access the online version of the MyFamily book.  We discussed how the My Family 15 in 15 program has been going so far in her stake and gave some suggestions for how she encourage others to participate.  

Sally Bills - Kaikohe FHC 

As we were leaving Kaitaia we  stopped at a local farmer's market and enjoyed walking around looking at all the things that were offered there.

We bought a bag of fresh mandarin oranges and some bbq chicken on a stick and then got back on the road.  We initially planned to meet that afternoon with the FHC director in Kaikohe, but she had a family funeral to go to, so we rescheduled for Monday.

We hit the road again and headed back to Whangarei, a trip of about 110 miles.There we went back to the same farm-stay place where we were in April, "The Honey House" that we liked so much.  Again, the accommodations are very basic, but the setting is  quite lovely there.

On Sunday we attended the Hatea ward.   Both of us gave talks in Sacrament meeting and then we gave a presentation about the My Family 15 in 15 program to a combined Relief Society-Priesthood meeting.  It was very well received and we felt like it went well.   We enjoyed talking with the members and felt a lot of support.  The Whangarei Stake Presidency is very much engaged in this family history effort and is encouraging their members to get on board.  They arranged to have special meetings focusing on the My Family 15-15 goal in every ward.

Sunday evening we got together with friends we met last time we were in Whangarei.  Bruce and Doreen Savill are life long Kiwis and Rosemary Waters is an emigrant from Ireland.  They are not LDS, but the all have deep testimonies of Jesus Christ and they are the kindest people you could ever hope to meet.  Doreen prepared a lovely meal and we had a wonderful time visiting with them.  After dinner we all gathered around the piano to sing which was lots of fun.  We love these good people!

Then on Monday (1 June) we shifted over to a different place to stay so we could have Internet - The Birchgrove Cottage was a great spot for us, with a full kitchen and some nicer amenities like central heating, which we appreciated now that the weather has grown cooler. While it isn't quite as charming as the Greenfields (what we call "the Honey House") with it's farm setting and lovely artwork, in many ways it was more comfortable so for future visits we are more likely to stay there.

That day we headed back to Kaikohe for our rescheduled meeting with Cheryle Sadler, the FHC director. On the way up we did a brief stop at Lake Waro to stretch our legs and scope out the area.  We looked for a geocache that was supposed to be hidden there, but never did find it.  Perhaps with a bit more searching we would have figured it out, but we had a schedule to keep so once more we hit the road!  If we get up there sometime when we are not pressed for time we would like to go back for some more extended exploring.  It looked like a great spot for hiking or a picnic.

The Department of Conservation website had this to say about the place:

"The track through this 7.5-hectare reserve takes you through open grass land around spectacular limestone formations. The track follows the route of a historic horse tramline, built in about 1900.

The reserve is one of the most outstanding examples of a limestone landscape in Northland. Interpretation signs explain the geology of the karst landscape and aspects of the human history.

You can walk around the lake by continuing on a Council track to the Council car park making the entire walk about 2.2 km.

Since this special geological feature is so close to the highway, it is well worth a visit."

Once we got to the FHC in Kaikohe we had a good meeting with Cheryle.  We talked about ways that she could support the 15-15 goal in her area.  In addition to being family history center director, she is also ward primary president.  Because of that, she meets with her ward council.  She said she would be sure the council members there are all encouraged to meet the goal.

Cheryle Sadler

Monday night rather than hitting another restaurant since we had such a nice kitchen at the Birchgrove we just went to a local grocery store and got a few things to make supper there.  We relaxed putting together a jigsaw puzzle that was there in a closet with some games and got a good night's rest before having to head back to Auckland on Tuesday.

 On the way was stopped to make sandwiches on the road at Mangawhei Heads overlooking the beach. That's another lovely area we would like to explore further sometime when we have a bit more time.

 

All in all our trip to the Northlands was very successful.  We saw some lovely country and had productive meetings.  We accomplished all we set out to do.  We have come to develop a special love for this area.  As much as we enjoy seeing new places, it is kind of nice to keep going back to the same region where we can get familiar with the area and build relationship up over a period of time.